Goodbye to You
by L. Jo
Summary: Severus and Hermione's marriage fell apart-- will a tragedy bring them back together? Rated R for language, thats all.
1. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew

~*~*~*~A/N: i'm tryin again! i live for reviews, so if you have any heart whatsoever, you'll  
  
review!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: this may come as a shock, but i don't own harry potter. *gasp*  
  
Goodbye to You  
  
Four words. Never, in all her 22 years, did Hermione Granger think that her life would fall apart on account of four words. Four words that separately are harmless, but together, changed her life.  
  
"I don't love you."  
  
Hermione looked at her husband in disbelief. "Excuse me?"  
  
He shook his head. "I don't love you. We should've never done this."  
  
"Done what!? Gotten together? Gotten married? Had a child!? Because I'd really like to know  
  
what the hell you're talking about!"  
  
"I don't regret one day with you, Hermione, but lately I've realized that we've grown  
  
apart. I don't want to hurt you," he said, and put his hand gently on her cheek. She moved away. "Don't touch me. If you didn't want to hurt me, you fucking asshole--" he flinched at her harsh words. She never swore. Hermione associated curse words with stupidity, and she would hate to be considered as such. "--You wouldn't have kissed me that night."  
  
"Jesus, Hermione! I didn't know what I was doing! It wasn't everyday that a beautiful young woman expressed interest in me! I just got carried away."  
  
"Carried away? You're telling me that the three years of marriage and our child was just because you got carried AWAY?"  
  
"Hermione, I won't deny that I loved you at one time. But now... I don't."  
  
"What about Emma? Did you just suddenly stop loving her as well? I- I-" Hermione was at a loss for words. She couldn't understand what was going on. Up until five minutes ago, she was happily married and the mother of a beautiful 2 year old. She never could've guessed that their fight would've ended in such a horrifyingly profound statement.  
  
"Hermione, don't be angry. Look, just go to bed, we'll talk about this tommorow."  
  
"The hell we will. I'm leaving, and I'm taking Emma." Hermione went swiftly to her daughter, picked her up, and went to the door.  
  
Her husband grabbed her arm. "You can't take her. Don't leave me alone... I'm sorry for what I said."  
  
Hermione looked up into his eyes. "What a sad, pathetic man you've become," she said. "Fuck you." And with that vulgar pronouncement hanging in the air, Hermione left.  
  
  
  
Harry Potter looked blearily at the clock. He rubbed his eyes, trying to figure out who would be at his house at-- 3:00 am. He stumbled out his bedroom door, and almost ran into Ron, who was also going to investigate. After graduating from Hogwarts, they had roomed together while attending university. "Are you expecting anyone?"  
  
"No. I don't tell my lady friends to come over at all hours of the night."  
  
"And you have so many of those," Harry said, rolling his eyes. He gasped when he opened the  
  
door. Hermione stood before him, looking horribly bedraggled. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, as if she had been crying for hours. Her hair was hanging loose and free down her back,  
  
and her small child was in her arms. "Oh, God, Hermione. What happened? Is it Severus?"  
  
Hermoione nodded numbly. "It's Severus indeed. I've left him." Harry and Ron didn't press her for an explanation. Ron simply took Emma from Hermione's arms, and Harry welcomed Hermione into his. 


	2. You Were the One I Loved

You Were the One I Loved  
  
  
  
"Hermione?" Harry said gently as she sobbed into his shoulder.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
Hermione sniffed, and pulled herself out of his arms. "Of   
  
course I don't. The man I love, the man I thought loved me, the man who  
  
I have a DAUGHTER with, just told me that all of those emotions I was  
  
feeling weren't real."  
  
Ron, who had been walking around the room with Emma, trying to   
  
calm her frantic crying, stopped short. "What did the bastard say to  
  
you?" His voice had a harsh edge to it.  
  
Hermione sighed. "Ron, don't get too angry. I just don't want   
  
to deal with it tonight. I can't deal with it tonight." Hermione  
  
dropped down on the worn down couch in the center of the living room.  
  
"Why don't you just tell me what he said," Ron said angrily. He  
  
gently gave Emma over to Harry, where she settled in and began to   
  
sleep. Ron sat down on the couch next to Hermione and took her hands in  
  
his. "Please," he said, as calmly as he could manage. "I promise I   
  
won't get angry. I- I just can't stand to see you like this." Ron had   
  
always had a soft spot in his heart for Hermione. Even after he had   
  
gotten over the crush he had on her in their seventh year, he could   
  
never stand the fact that she had married Snape.  
  
"Ron, he told me that he didn't love me. That he hasn't, in  
  
fact, ever loved me." Hermione pulled her hands out of Ron's gentle  
  
grasp and buried her face in her hands.  
  
Ron awkwardly patted Hermione on the back, while Harry stood  
  
off to the side rocking tiny Emma back and forth. "Let me get this   
  
straight, 'Mione," Harry said, using the nickname he hadn't touched   
  
since sixth year. "He said he didn't love you?"  
  
"Why would I lie about that, Harry? It's not something I'm very  
  
proud of." Hermione looked at Harry. "Look, I love you guys, and I   
  
would just love to talk to you about the ruin my marriage has become,   
  
but I need to sleep... and take care of a daughter," she said with a  
  
hint of sarcasm in her voice.   
  
"OK, Hermione, you don't want to talk. Ron and I will take   
  
Emma upstairs, she'll sleep in my room tonight. I want you to get as   
  
much rest as possible."  
  
"Harry, no, she's my daughter. I want to and will take care of  
  
her." Hermione reached for Emma.  
  
Harry handed her over, and kissed Hermione on the head. "Good  
  
night. We'll talk in the morning."  
  
Ron repeated the same action. "Love you, Hermione."  
  
"Love you too, Ron."  
  
Hermione curled up on the couch, Emma's small body tucked into  
  
the curve of her own. Closing her eyes, Hermione let her tears fall  
  
into the wispy black locks of her daughter. "You can't do this   
  
Hermione," she whispered to herself. "You can't beat yourself up about  
  
this." But still, Hermione's mind drifted back to a time when her love  
  
for Severus was fresh, and new, and, so it seemed them, eternal.  
  
  
  
Hermione stretched contentedly. Today was the first day of the  
  
winter term and she was looking forward to using her mind again. She  
  
enjoyed the laziness of the holidays as much as anyone, but she always  
  
found it exhilirating at the start of a new term, with time to learn  
  
and sharpen her brain. Especially since this was the last winter term  
  
at Hogwarts.   
  
"Hermione, are you coming?" Lavander Brown stood at the door.  
  
Though for the bulk of her years at school, Hermione had found Lavander  
  
and Pavarati vapid and boring, they had actually been becoming very   
  
close friends. "You better move it, we have Snape first hour this   
  
term."   
  
Hermione sighed. "Oh, what a wonderful way to start out a new  
  
term."  
  
"I know all your teachers are probably giving you today to   
  
recouperate and get accustomed to the schedule again," Snape said   
  
softly, sneering. "But I am not like all other teachers. I want you  
  
to make an invisibility potion," He said gesturing to the long list of  
  
of ingredients and instructions, "And I want it done correctly."   
  
Hermione whispered furtively to Ron, "Really? Because I was   
  
under the impression that I was to do it wrong." Ron laughed, and it   
  
was his snort that called Snape's attention to their table.   
  
"That's 10 points, Ms. Granger. And detention this evening."  
  
Hermione opened her mouth to protest, but decided against it.  
  
This wouldn't be the first detention she had ever had, but it would be  
  
the one she would remember for years to come.  
  
Turning over on the couch, Hermione sighed, and wiped some   
  
tears away. How she had dreaded that detention. She had even talked to  
  
Dumbledore, in hopes of getting out of it, and not spoiling her pristine record. If only she had succeeded.  
  
"Ms. Granger, you are late." Snape looked up at her darkly. "Five points."  
  
Hermione gritted her teeth. "I'm not late, Proffessor."  
  
Snape rasied his eyebrow."Really? Well, my clock says you are. Really, you should work on telling time."  
  
"Oh, that's it!" Hermione exclaimed. "I don't know where this animosity comes from, but I don't think I can take this anymore. I respect you! I listen to you! I've done everything you've ever asked me! And still, you treat me like I'm five years old, like I could never comprehend anything at the level you can. I'm smart, Proffessor. And I don't like wasting time at detentions for things that don't even matter." Hermione took in a huge breath. She had never spoken to a teacher like that before. In fact, the whole scenario was out of character for her. She barely could look at Snape.  
  
Snape stood up. "This insolence will not be tolerated," he said slowly, menacingly. He walked to where Hermione was standing and stood very close to her, invading her personal space. "How do you dare to speak to me in that fasion?"  
  
She had to tilt her head up to look at him, trying to think of some smart retort. She looked into his black eyes, smoldering with anger, and something else. Hermione felt the shift in emotion. Suddenly, the burning anger she felt, the hatred, turned to incredible attraction. Snape leaned down closer to her, and kissed her, gently, softly, on the lips. Hermione was in shock. She looked back at Snape, and he seemed as surprised as she was. "Proffessor, I--" and she stepped backwards awkwardly.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ms. Granger, I don't know what came over me." Snape turned around, and began walking towards his desk.  
  
Hermione didn't know what had happened either. But she did know, at this moment, with perfect clarity, that she was in love with Severus Snape. And there was only one thing she could do about it. "Severus," Hermione said softly, touching him on the shoulder.   
  
He turned, the emotional turmoil plain on his face. "Ms. Granger-- Hermione," he said, his tone softening. "This shouldn't have happened."  
  
Hermione shook her head, and stood close to him. "I think it was only a matter of time before it did." With that, she kissed him. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, and deepening the kiss.   
  
A choked sob escaped Hermione. Remembering the sweetness of that first kiss, the assuredness she felt when she held him in her arms, only seemed to remind her of her stupidity, of her blind trust in their relationship. "Stop thinking about it, Hermione," She said aloud. And finally, after two hours of tossing and turning, her mind obeyed, and she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. 


	3. The One Thing That I Tried to Hold on To

The One Thing That I Tried to Hold on To  
  
Harry walked as quietly as he could to the basement. If Hermione had gotten to sleep, he didn't want to wake her. However, when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he noticed the couch was empty, save for a small, two-year old form that was covered by a blanket,and there was a smell of coffee coming from the kitchen.  
  
"Good morning, Hermione," Harry said tenatively, as he walked over to her and put an arm around her shoulders.   
  
"Good morning," she said absentmindedly, and continued stirring the cup of coffee she had in front of her.   
  
An awkward silence ensued. "So..." Harry said haltingly. "How are you?"  
  
"How am I?" Hermione laughed bitterly to herself. "How am I?" She turned and faced Harry, tears in her eyes, her usually mellow voice roughened by a lack of sleep and too many tears. "I'm just fucking fabulous."   
  
Harry stepped back. "Look, I'm sorry. I don't know how to approach the subject with you. Every time I try, you just get mad at me." He shook his head as he walked to the tiny table that barely fit into the small kitchen. "I guess, I'll just wait until you're ready."  
  
Hermione put her head down, and crossed to the table. She sat down across from Harry. "I don't mean to be so horrible to you. It's just..." she paused, and she attempted to choke back tears. "I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to feel, or do. My life has fallen apart. I know it seems stupid," she said, looking at Harry, "But, I feel like part of me is missing. I mean, Harry, I really love him. I can't just stop loving him overnight. Though apparently he can." Hermione looked down at her coffee cup, and began to sob. Her shoulders shook with every breath, while Harry looked at her, unsure as what to do. He was never very good at comforting people. It's not that he didn't want to, he just didn't know how.  
  
Just as he was reaching across the table to touch her hand, the doorbell rang. Hermione didn't even look up. "You should get that," she said tiredly.  
  
"I'm not just going to leave you."  
  
"Harry," she said, looking at him. "I'm not going to kill myself if you leave for five minutes. I'll probably just cry, anyway."  
  
Harry looked startled. "Oh, just because I lost my husband doesn't mean I lost my sense of humor," she said, the faintest glimmer of a smile on her face. Harry smiled back, and went to open the door.  
  
He tightened the belt on his robe, and opened the door.  
  
Standing before him, looking as dark and as menacing as ever, was Severus Snape.   
  
"I would like to see my wife," he said smoothly, his anger clearly conveyed through his black eyes.  
  
Harry gritted his teeth, trying very hard not to punch him. "She's not here."  
  
Snape narrowed his eyes. "You're lying, Potter."  
  
"Sorry, Proffessor," he said sarcastically. "I don't know where she is. Why isn't she with you?"  
  
"Stop lying. I know she is here." Snape took a step towards Harry. While after he had married Hermione, Snape, Harry and Ron had all had a mutual understanding towards eachother, and had even begun to respect eachother, the only thing that kept them civil was Hermione.   
  
"Well, you're mistaken." Harry had begun to close the door, when suddenly, a piercing baby's cry cut the air.  
  
Snape glowered at Harry. "Let me in. I hear my daughter. I have a right to be with her. And Hermione."  
  
"No, no I'm pretty sure you lost all rights when you told Hermione you didn't love her."  
  
"Shh, shh," Hermione said, trying to calm Emma. She realized that Harry had been at the door an awfully long time, and decided to go see what was wrong.  
  
"Harry, what's taking you so--" Her voice dropped as she saw Snape standing there.  
  
"Hermione," he said, his voice soft, and loving. "Please, let me talk to you. I need to explain..."  
  
"Forgive me, Severus, but I don't believe there is a lot to explain." Her voice was hard, and scathing. "You. Don't. Love. Me. That's pretty fucking clear."  
  
"Hermione. Please." Snape tried to get in the door, but Harry was still there, forbidding him entrance.  
  
"Alright Severus, you want to talk? Fine. I still love you. I may, in fact, always love you. And I'm really sorry that you can't feel the same way." She paused. "I used to think I was really special. Thinking I was the only one who could see you as the loving man I always thought was in you somewhere. When I saw you hold Emma for the first time... I was amazed. The look on your face..." Hermione smiled bitterly, remembering the happiness she had felt at that moment. "But I suppose it's all different now. The only way you will ever see me again, is in a courtroom, when we fight for custody of Emma. Because, quite frankly, I never want to speak to you again."   
  
Snape opened his mouth to respond, but Harry had already slammed the door in his face. 


	4. I Still Get Lost In Your Eyes

"Hermione," Harry said, watching her angrily stomp around his house, causing Emma to get more and more agitated. "Perhaps you should sit down."   
  
Hermione whirled around. "I can't! I'm so angry! I mean, the fact that he had the audacity to even come here! Why is he even trying! He clearly doesn't want me anymore! I'm just... I... Damnit, Harry!" She burst into tears. The combined sound of her sobs and Emma's wailing was enough for Ron to come downstairs, his bright red hair disheveled.   
  
"What in the bloody hell is going on here?"  
  
Harry opened his mouth to respond, but Hermione broke in. "I'll tell you," she said, her voice shaking with emotion. "The bastard who is my husband decided to drop by. Apparently, he thinks a few pretty words can erase from my memory what he did to me last night, what he said to me, he is mistaken. He has torn my heart, my very soul, apart. And he came strolling up to this house today, excpecting what? Me to go running back into his arms, forgiving him? Why was he here Harry? Why!?" Her hysteria had reached a fever pitch.   
  
"Honey, honey, honey," Ron said, unsure of what else to say. He gently pulled the still crying Emma out of Hermione's grasp and kissed her on the forehead before passing her to Harry. Harry walked out of the room, murmering comforting words in the child's ear.   
  
Ron pulled Hermione into his arms. She had begun crying again. He simply held her. "Hermione," he said gently. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but maybe you should listen to him. I mean are you positively sure he meant it."  
  
"He looked me right in the eyes, Ron."   
  
"But he may have been lying. Or angry..."  
  
"No, Ron. I've seen that expression on his face before..."  
  
Hermione walked down to the dungeons, to where she and Severus had met during her times at Hogwarts. She had graduated recently, and was helping him clean his rooms before he returned to his home for the summer. 'That's true love,' Hermione thought to herself, smiling. 'Nothing says romance like cleaning out moldy barrels of armadillo bile together.'  
  
And she was doing just that, working silently alongside Snape an hour later. They didn't always talk when they were together. And even though she was bent over into a barrel of armidillo bile, arms covered in the crust she had been dilligently scraping off, she was still happy. "Severus," she said, her voice echoing around her, "I must admit this isn't how I thought we   
would be celebrating our freedom from Hogwarts." Hearing no snide reply about her work ethic, or his responsibilities, she pulled herself up, and was surprised when she saw him standing right next to her. "What?" she asked. The expression on his face was unreadable. She pushed a some sweaty curls out of her eyes, and looked at him, more seriously now. "Severus?"  
  
His long, elegant hands grabbed either side of her face, and he brought her as close to him as possible. His eyes bored into hers, and then he kissed her, long and hard, and with more passion and need than she could remember him ever kissing her before. When he pulled away, leaving her breathless, he whispered, "I love you."  
  
"It was the first time he told me he loved me," she said, leaning against Ron. "And when he said it, he had the same, unreadable look on his face as when he told me that he didn't. That's why I knew he meant it." Fresh tears began to spill down Hermione's cheeks. "I just don't understand, Ron. And I hate the fact that he's reduced me to this... blubbering idiot, but I feel  
like nothing can ever be true and real again."  
  
"Hermione, let me tell you something I learned after being cruelly shot down by you," Ron said with a grin. "As trite as I know this will sound, you will get over it. It may seem impossible now--"  
  
"But that's what you don't understand," Hermione said, getting up, angry again. "What you had with me, that was a silly crush. What I have... had," she corrected herself ruefully, "with Severus was so intense. It still is to me. Ron, I feel like I AM Severus. And by not being together, I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't describe to you how I feel... But a part of me is   
missing, Ron," she said. "But another part of me is so angry, and so hurt, that I can't bring myself to even feel what i'm feeling. I don't know what to do." Another tear fell. "Please help me." 


	5. And it Seems That I Can't Spend a Day Wi...

    "Hermione, I will help you," Ron said, rubbing her back consolingly. "But I can't if you won't at least admit to yourself that what you and Snape had is over. You have to accept that before you can move on."

    Hermione tried to contain her tears. "I know, Ron. I know. But I'm not ready to."

    The next few days were hard. Hermione often burst into tears over seemingly nothing, and both Harry and Ron were wary to leave her alone when they had class, so they had taken to alternating skipping class, until Hermione's constant nagging (which had eventually won out over her sorrow) conviced them to both go one day, leaving Hermione alone. Happy though she was they cared enough about her to stay with her all the time, she was equally happy to finally have some time to herself. She put Emma down for a nap, and fully intended to follow suit when she heard a knock at the door. Fear washed through her. If it was Severus, she would have no one to protect her. She would have to face him. Squaring her shoulders, she walked to the door, and though she had thought she had prepared herself, tears pricked her eyes when she saw Snape standing there, looking right into her eyes. "Hermione," he said softly.

    "No," she said firmly. "I don't want to hear what you have to say. I've just gotten to the point where I can hear your name and not burst immediately into tears. So don't come walking over here and expect me to--"

    "I don't expect to be welcomed with open arms. I expect to at least be heard out."

    "No!" Hermione shouted, more defiantly this time. "I don't have to listen to you!"

    "Hermione." His voice was calm enough, but after seven years as his student, and two years as his wife, she knew when he was restraining emotion. "Why do you refuse to listen to me? I know you are above this display."

    "Yes, Severus," Hermione said, exasperation working it's way into her voice, "This is all simply to infuriate you. Always so astute." She tried again to shut the door, but Severus wrapped one of his elegant hands around it.

    "Why do you insist on avoiding me?" As he said this, he worked the door further open, and leaned down to Hermione's level, his face close to hers. "Why will you not listen to me?" His voice was deceptively soft as it had been calm earlier.

    Hermione allowed herself to enjoy his closeness for only a moment. She allowed herself to feel those silly butterflies that would still appear when he was so close to her, and she forgot, for a brief moment why they were even in this situation. But only for a moment. Her eyes narrowed. "Fine. I'll listen." taking a step back and gesturing to the apartment, she said "Won't you come in?"

    "Thank you." His over-polite tone dripped with sarcasm and she began wondering why he had stopped trying to be kind and loving and had reverted back to his usual demeanor. But her ruminations were stopped once the door was closed, and Snape was on her, crushing his mouth to hers. Her back was pressed against the door, and her hands were clawing at his back, tangling in his hair. His hands, which had so deftly stopped the door when she was trying to keep him out, were now possessively clamped on her back and waist. As he continued to ravish her mouth, Hermione got over her shock, and suddenly realized what was happening. His familiar touch had made her lose all sense of reality. She put her hands on his chest and pushed him back with surprising force. Her breath coming in short bursts, she eyed him warily. "This is not some petty fight, Severus. This cannot be solved with you kissing me senseless. This is far more serious than I fear you realize."

    Snape regained his composure rather fast. "You think I don't understand the gravity of what I said to you? I am not a man of pretty words, Hermione. I am a man of action. The only way to prove to you how I feel is by action. I was hoping that would clear up any lingering doubts."

    Hermione simply stared in disbelief. "My God. You still can't expect me to believe that you didn't mean what you said?"

    "I didn't!"

    "Severus, one thing that I always loved about you was the thought you put into everything. Every sentence you said, every single word you spoke, right down to the goddamn syllable was carefully chosen and planned out. And now you expect me to believe that for the first time in your life, you made a mistake? Tell me, what did you mean to say? Were you intending on saying "I've always loved you, Hermione," but somehow it got turned around in your head and came out "I don't love you."? What kind of fool do you take me for?"

    Severus took a step towards her. "I never thought you a fool, Hermione. Until now."

    "Why do you do this to me?" Hermione asked aloud more to herself than to him. Sitting on the couch she put her head in her hands, and began to cry.

    "Hermione," he said, crouching in front of her, taking her hands in his. "There are greater forces than me at work right now. I want you to understand that."

    Hermione's tear-filled brown eyes flicked up at that and she stared right into his fathomless black ones. "You can't blame everything on Voldemort, Severus. Especially since he's gone."

    "What makes you think I am, in any way, blaming this on him?!" Severus' voice had risen, as had he. He looked down at her. "You silly woman. The Dark Lord's death means nothing. His supporters still run the streets, and--"

    "This is not the time for a lecture!" Hermione stood up, her small stature rather less-than intimidating next to Severus. "Whether or not there are 'greater forces at work' it changes nothing about what you said. Nothing. Your kisses and excuses will do nothing for me. You know you meant it when you said it."

    "After decades as a spy, you don't think my acting abilities may have been better than you assume?" he asked, the sarcasm evident.

    "After decades as a spy, I would assume you were ready to stop acting. I see now that you have finally chosen to."

    "What in the world was that supposed to mean?"

    "It means that apparently our life was a complete lie. Every kiss, every glance, every word was just part of some act to make me believe something that wasn't real."

    "God, Hermione! Why would I do that?! I'm not a nice man by any means, but I am not the type to spend four years of my life seducing a woman, creating a family and a life with her, and then throw it all away. I don't get off on other people's pain. I'm not a sadist."

    "Maybe not." Hermione's voice lost it's defiant edge. "You know, I always thought I was the only one that could understand you. I thought that I could see through the incredible walls you had built up, the--" her voice trailed off, and she broke down into tears, hating herself for letting him see her like this.   

    Severus took a step towards her, planning on comforting her, but she recoiled. "NO," she said forcefully. "Don't come near me. I need to deal with this myself. Just go."

    "I can't leave you like this."

    Hermione stood up straight, squared her shoulders, and looked him in the eye. "You made me like this."

    Severus looked at his wife, hair out of control as always, hands balled into defiant fists, lower lip shaking, eyes shining with unshed tears. "And for that, my love, I am truly sorry." With a sweep of his voluminous black robes, he was gone.

    Hermione crumpled on the couch, sobbing as she had for so many days. Soon, the high-pitched wailing of her daughter alerted her, and she dried her tears and picked up the child. "Oh, Emma." she said. "What kind of man tells you one day that he doesn't love you, and then a few days later uses a term of endearment you never knew you would hear from him?"

    Emma gurgled happily and snuggled into her mother's arms.

    Hermione sighed. "I don't know either."


End file.
